<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Not Again by ellekim94</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280106">Not Again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94'>ellekim94</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I just want to write something HyuckIl, I'm not sure what this is, Johnny Taeyong and Yuta are Taeil's friends, M/M, Obviously I can't think of a title</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:41:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,107</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It took Taeil two minutes to get his friend a gift and twenty-six years to allow someone like Donghyuck in his life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan &amp; Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story has two POVs - Taeil's and Hyuck's. I enjoyed writing both simultaneously but editing at AO3 was seriously... haha. I could only laugh. I needed to differentiate their thoughts, that's why.</p><p>Anyway, I'm happy to post this. Do enjoy reading. Happy Holidays!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">- PART 1 -</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">That has been the worst Pepper Lunch I had in my life — with the absence of our favorite honey brown sauce. But since I’ve been having an awesome week, I didn’t fret too much over it and just decided to take out what was left of my lunch. I thought I could probably do something about it for dinner later.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">We were supposed to go grocery shopping after lunch but first, I had to check something at Uniqlo, so I told my family that.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I wasn’t sure how old my parents think I am but somehow, they thought I needed new clothes for Christmas which was why we’re at Uniqlo and looking for such clothes. I would understand wanting to buy us new clothes before because of Christmas parties at school. Obviously, because of the pandemic, there are no parties this year.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I guessed I was still thankful about it though as I walk around the store, careful not to touch with any strangers, and see if there was anything I like.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">So I was having a dilemma because I asked a saleslady where were the polo shirts for men and he told me there was none! We already decided on this and we even told Yuta’s boyfriend that we were getting him those polo shirts as a preparation for his new job.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Then, I had an idea. What about polo shirts for women? I once bought polo shirts for my entire family that was for women because I adored the design. For men and for women, I could understand the need to classify, but at the end of the day, shouldn’t we just wear what we want to wear?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">But then, I still had to call Johnny because I wasn’t just going to use my money and these weren’t all just my gifts.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Hey,” I said when he picked up. “There is no available polo shirts for men but there are for women.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“What? That ain’t good, man.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">That was an expected argument. I answered, “Can you go online? I’ll show them to you.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“How about some new polo shirts?” Mom asked me with a smile and an expression that says ‘Go and pick whatever you want.’ I smiled back at him with a sigh because I have a lot of clothes at home and honestly, I don’t need a new polo shirt at the moment. But I still found myself walking towards the aisle where the polo shirts were supposed to be and there was a guy who was crouched down in front of the racks, talking over his phone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“So what color should we get?” I heard him ask. “There are plain ones, stripes, and ones with stripes on the collar and sleeves. Let’s just get one of each, right? Yeah, yeah. So blue for the plain one. Um, the available colors for the stripes are black and white, and grey and white, green and blue, and then maroon and blue. Yeah, the maroon and blue looks a bit… Let’s just get the grey and white. And for the last, the green? Okay, yeah, the green.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Just like that, the guy stood up and said, “Okay, I’m going to pay for these now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">That took exactly two minutes of decision making skills in choosing three polo shirts which was impressive because we have been at Uniqlo for almost an hour and my family still couldn’t choose anything to buy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay for them first and then you guys can just pay me back later,” I told Johnny. “But then, there’s still the cake and the dinner. We’ll figure it out later. At least, we have the gifts done for now.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Johnny said. “Take care.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, you, too.” I dropped the call and looked around, trying to figure out where the cashier was again when I saw a guy about three meters away from me looking at my direction. I noticed because he was pretty cute but then and again, he was probably too young, or has a boyfriend already, or we’ll probably never meet again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I could feel my face burning because I was pretty sure he caught me staring but then, he quickly turned again and was walking around.Was he looking for someone? Did he come here with his boyfriend? Why was I thinking if he was single or not? It wasn’t me to talk to strangers. It truly wasn’t me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">But it was five days before Christmas and all of my younger siblings were brining their special someones for noche buena and I’ve never truly been bothered about being single but I thought at that moment, would I see him again if I won’t talk to him now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Hi,” someone behind me said.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">This was wrong. This was so wrong. I didn’t know what I was doing. He turned and he didn’t have the beautiful, easy smile he wore when he was talking over the phone and choosing polo shirts. Was it hi boyfriend he was just talking to?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He looked like he’d just been assaulted, or that’s what his intense gaze felt like to me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Why was this cute guy talking to me? That’s what I thought of.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Okay, he was cute and all. But my mother thought me not to talk to strangers because it was unsafe and there were a lot of things that could happen. Self-preservation was the most important thing and perhaps that’s another reason why I’m still single after twenty-six years but…</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Sorry to bother you. I just need a totally objective opinion which polo shirt I should get between these,” I said, and fortunately, I was able to grab two stripes polo shirts before I could stop my legs from walking towards him and opening my mouth. It was a relief when he looked a little relaxed after I said that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He looked from the polo shirts to me and back at the polo shirts. “Hi,” he said after a while, even smiling a little, and I tried so hard not to drop my mouth or the shirts I was holding up for him to see.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">This was normal. Some people could ask for help from strangers to give them an unbiased, totally objective point of view on their choices. I probably looked the easiest to approach from the way I crouched down to check the polo shirts for Yuta which was why I was the one he approached. There was nothing else to it.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He was holding up the grey and white polo shirt and the maroon and blue polo shirt.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Definitely the grey and white,” I said. “I’m also getting that for my friend. I honestly think it’s the best.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I couldn’t tell him I have been watching him for the past five minutes and was actually hoping he would tell me to get the white and grey polo shirt, too, because I knew he was being sincere then. He didn’t like the maroon and blue polo shirt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Oh, really?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yeah.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’ll get this then,” I said and he looked like he was already getting ready to leave and I just hated how the conversation was meant to be that short. I should have thought of something better. But I could have lost the will and him and could have not talked to him at all.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Thanks,” he said, smiling, and it was this moment that I took back that he was just cute. He still looked cute but he was truly handsome in that boy-next-door kind of way, the one who anyone would probably want to take meet their parents.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Then, he lost the smile and stood there awkwardly, which made me feel awkward, too. We were strangers and I have to meet my family at the grocery.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Well, good luck. I should get going,” I said to him.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I didn’t want him to go but what if he was just dropping here and needed to be somewhere important? What if he was going to a wedding or an important retirement party? I couldn’t hold him and not risk the part where he shouts and security comes for me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">So I nodded and said, “Thank you for helping me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I didn’t really do much,” he answered, lightly laughing, and I probably shouldn’t find a stranger’s laugh that comfortable. “Take care,” he told me lastly before he turned around and walked at the cashier’s direction.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">The cashiers at Uniqlo were pretty efficient. The lines were pretty long but I managed to pay for my stuff in less than five minutes. I was looking for the exit now but the store was freaking big.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And oh, there was that guy again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He’s leaving. He’s leaving and I haven’t even asked for him name. If I knew his name, I could at least look him up at Facebook. I probably looked like a stalker already but shit — I don’t usually swear, I promise — but he was smiling and waving at me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">The wave was meant to be something like ‘Hey, it was good to meet you and talk to you once but I’m sure we’re never going to see each other again so goodbye and I wish for all your dream to come true.’ But he was walking towards me again. He must have taken it completely different or he was a serial killer and now he was going to kill me.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I wasn’t honestly going to do it. I truly wasn’t. But I thought ‘What if I never really see him again?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Do you have more clothes dilemma that needs an expert stranger’s opinion?” I asked him when he was standing in front of me again, smiling.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“No,” I answered honestly, looking back at him. I wondered how I looked back then, probably someone wanting to piss themselves, wanting to run away, and wanting to get a stranger’s name all at once. Was I breaching protocol between strangers? Were there even protocols between strangers? But what if I never see him again and he didn’t leave my mind and I have no freaking clue how to find him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">That would truly suck.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” he began saying, looking so nervous I felt bad for him for whatever he was apologizing for even though I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. But it wasn’t me to cut someone off when they were trying to tell me things so I kept quiet and waited for him to continue.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Besides, it wasn’t like he could do anything bad to me at a Uniqlo store inside a mall with thousands of people in it that would not go unnoticed and unpunished. What, he was handsome and all, but I wasn’t still letting my guard down.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t usually do this, I promise,” he said, looking at the ground sheepishly. “I can give you a copy of my ID and you can take a picture of it. I swear I’m not a bad person, I’m not a stalker, or a pervert, or anything like that.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">If he wasn’t saying all those bad types of people, he looked absolutely adorable stammering but I would be lying if I’d say my heart wasn’t beating so fast. Why was he saying all these things?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was certain I was shaking but I looked at him and met him eyes when I asked, “But can I please get your name?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He stared at me for eighty years. Okay, not eighty years, but I was pretty sure a lot of people walked passed us and thought we were mannequins. There was probably protocol between strangers and I just breached it but if I would never meet him again, what was there to lose anyway?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’m not trying anything,” I tried explaining when he still wouldn’t say anything. If I hadn’t done this before to a complete stranger, I understood that he probably never had a complete stranger come up to him and ask for him name as well. “I know this looks weird. You just met me and I’m trying to get your name. I just thought I’d try because I thought what I’d do if I never see you again without knowing even just your name and I didn’t know what I’d do then.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">That’s why I wasn’t saying anything. That’s what I was confused about.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“But why would you want to see me again?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I,” I began, thinking about it. “I don’t know,” I said because it was the truth. “I just know I don’t like the thought of not seeing you again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Who was this guy? That’s what I thought. There were a lot of strangers I’ve seen, some I’ve met, some I’ve even talked to, but those strangers remained strangers. I never saw them again — and that’s perhaps the thing with the strangers. They remain strangers because you never saw them again, there was no memory of seeing them again because you never go when you do. That what makes meeting strangers special. It was always brand new and fresh and not repetitive.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">But somehow, this stranger — this guy who was nothing but a stranger ten minutes ago decided to approach me and was now telling me he didn’t like the thought of not seeing me again. It was almost like a movie.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And I was wary because things like this don’t happen in real life.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I meant it when I said I wasn’t trying anything. I wasn’t trying to make him my husband or even my lover that day but I would be lying if I say I didn’t think of the possibility of it happening in the future. </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">But first, it would just be great to know him name. If he wanted to talk over Messenger only, that was fine. If he didn’t want to give me him Messenger, texting was fine, too. If later on, we could get coffee, that was something to think of if there was actually a chance of meeting in the future and I was getting ahead of myself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I knew it only happens in movies and I knew I could not hold anything against him for trying to be safe, for protecting herself because he didn’t know me, but I truly, truly wanted to see him again in the future.It was odd but when he didn’t give his name immediately, I was a little relieved because it showed me a glimpse of who he was as a person again. I was nothing but a stranger ten minutes ago. I was crazy to approach him and even ask for him name now. Strangers wouldn’t do that. Strangers were meant to be strangers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">But what if they weren’t? What if we weren’t?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Moon Taeil.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Did he just…?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“That’s my name on Facebook and Instagram, too.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“This is the first time I’m giving my name to a strangerso can I take a picture of your ID like you said?” he continued and he was so adorable. It was the first time I was so excited pulling my wallet from my pocket to show someone my identification, not to mention if was the first time this happened, too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’m Lee Donghyuck,” I said, giving him my ID. I knew I was smiling so hard because he looked at me funnily as he snapped a photo of my ID with him phone. “Can I add you on Facebook now? I don’t have Instagram.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Okay,” he answered.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And he beamed. Truly, truly cute.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I heard a notification in my phone. There was one Lee Donghyuck in my friend requests. I looked up at him before I looked down at my phone again and accepted the request while saying, “There’s literally nothing in my Facebook.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He beamed again. It should be illegal to look that cute.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“It’s okay. It’s still you,” I answered, knowing I looked absolutely the most excited for being accepted as a friend in Facebook since I’ve made my account more than ten years ago, but not quite caring because I was excited. Not only did I get him name but we’re now friends in Facebook, too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I should ask what he meant by that but I should go. I felt like I was hyperventilating and I wasn’t sure if it was because of my self-preservation instincts calling me out for giving my name to a stranger or because he was continuously smiling at me.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I should get going,” I told him.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I nodded. “Thank you,” I said before he could leave, “for giving me a chance.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“A chance for what?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“To know you. I won’t make light of this chance.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I nodded because I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “See you, Lee Donghyuck,” I said instead with a small smile.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“See you, Moon Taeil,” he replied, smiling back.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And just like that, we weren’t strangers anymore, Lee Donghyuck.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Let’s not meet as strangers next time, Moon Taeil.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">- PART 2 -</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I wonder how many strangers do we meet that, had we been bold and had courage to approach them, cross that line between strangers and not strangers, were meant to be in our lives? How many strangers in the bookstores who picked the same book as we did that we thought could be our friend? How many strangers who had held an elevator door for us or offereda hand to grab that cereal box on top of the supermarket rack or even just met our gaze when we were looking at particularly nothing were meant to be more than just strangers if we just took initiative?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Maybe it only happens in movies. Maybe it only happens in fiction. Maybe it’s not safe at all in the real world because there were a lot of good people but there were also a lot that were bad.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I didn’t feel compelled to give Donghyuck my name because I was twenty-six and I never had a special someone in my life. I honestly felt like I could have gone for another twenty-six without one anyway. I didn’t give Donghyuck my name because of a promise in the future. I gave him my name because of my question at the present of what could have happen if I let us take that chance.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">My mother looked pleased when I showed him the grey and white polo shirt Taeil chose for me and as I went back to help him and my siblings decide on what clothes to buy which meant choosing over and over again between two almost similar dresses, two almost similar tops, and two almost similar pants, I wonder had I not taken my mother’s suggestion to look over at the polo shirts, had I seen Taeil? Had I met him? Had I talked to him? Would we have seen each other in a different place, at a different time, perhaps in a different clothing store?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Maybe yes. Maybe not. But the point was, how was I supposed to know? I just knew that I saw him that time and I wanted to know him in that present time and place and setting. It was frightening to think about the future. What if Taeil turned out nothing like I thought? The thing was I didn’t ask for his name because I think he would make a perfect friend or boyfriend. There was no such thing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I asked for his name because I wanted to know him. Who was he buying the polo shirts for? Was he working? Or studying? Did he have siblings? Did he like to travel? Would he like to lie on his back and just stare at infinite dead stars for a date? I wanted to know those and a whole lot more about him. I wanted to see where it would take me with him. I wanted to see where it would take us.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I wasn’t exactly asking what chance was he talking about earlier. I was only confirming what I already thought.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I’m glad he felt the same.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, you’re finally here,” my sister, Taeri, commented when I met with my family again at the grocery. “Took you long enough. Is that for me?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Nope, nothing for you here,” I answered.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Mom, he only bought for himself again!”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“This is also for Johnny and Taeyong, goofball,” I said, shaking my head. “What ingredient are we on now?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Taeri looked over at the bottles and told me, forgetting the Uniqlo paper bags all together, “Well, there’s no thyme. We’re now deciding on what kind of pasta to get.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I thought we decided on penne?” I asked, my hands reaching for a package of penne pasta, as my mind wandered if Donghyuck and whoever he was with would also go grocery shopping.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Who were you talking to earlier?” my younger sister, Dana, suspiciously asked when we were walking out of Uniqlo. She looked at me with a thoughtful expression, like she knew something. “I haven’t seen him before.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I contemplated a little if I should lie. But then, what was there to lie about? That I just made friends on Facebook with a total stranger? Well, Taeil was not a total stranger to me now. Besides, Dana was the kind of person to ask but not judge.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I was asking a stranger’s opinion which polo shirt to get,” I honestly answered.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“The stranger happened to be cute?” Dana said with a smile. </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I knew I totally looked caught but I only shrugged and told her, “He also happened to make two-minute decisions with three different pieces of clothing.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Really? You always like someone who’s decisive.” And just like that, she only smiled at me again and the topic was dropped. I was glad it was him who saw me talking to Taeil. Had it been my younger brothers or my Mom, I probably wouldn’t hear the end of it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I thought of Taeil as we left the mall. He looked he like was rushing somewhere. Was he still in the mall or was he rushing like us to somewhere else? Would we meet again? Was he thinking of me, too?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Of course, I never saw Donghyuck again that day. Not that I was hoping to see him again that quickly. But I knew I wouldn’t have minded if I did.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">My fingers were hovering over the send button on my phone’s screen. I had typed a simple ‘Hi, I hope you get home safely.’ that I have been contemplating to send to Taeil for the past ten minutes. Would it be too sudden? What wouldhe think?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I told myself I should not stalk Donghyuck’s profile. I definitely should not stalk Donghyuck’s profile. But the car ride home was one and a half hour and I could kill some time, right? I was just passing time. That’s what I told myself when I typed in his name and click on it at Facebook’s search bar.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I was careful in scrolling, careful not to accidentally like anything that was posted six months ago. I learned from Donghyuck’s profile that he wasn’t posting as much, too, even though I still couldn’t be beaten. Ever since the creation of my Facebook profile, I hadn’t posted anything but updated profile photos and one cover photo. He also didn’t post much, but he was often tagged by his friends and family. He was also sharing posts ever now and then.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">There’s a post he shared that I liked a lot. I recognized it’s a screenshot from Tumblr.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">It said: I make ramen the way a friend taught me in eleventh grade. Every fall, I listen to a playlist made for me by a boy I drove across a border to hook up with. I eat sushi because a girl who won’t talk to me anymore made me try it, and Indian food because my best friend’s parents ordered for me before I knew what I liked. There are movies I love because someone I loved loved them first. I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved even for a heartbeat.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I wanted to put a heart on it but he shared the post eleven months ago. I could relate to the message but what I liked most was his own words when he shared it.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck said: I will wait for that person who will make me wear white.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I didn’t hate white. It was just that growing up, I learned how easily white shirts can get dirty and thus, get scolded because of it. That’s why I prefer my clothes to be dark. I would not wear white unless it’s absolutely necessary and if I could choose, I would always choose any dark colors over white.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I looked inside the Uniqlo paper bag I was holding at the white and grey polo shirt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Then, I clicked send.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I almost threw my phone when it rang notification and I saw Donghyuck’s chat head pop on my phone for the first time. Did he know I was currently stalking him? Did he have that kind of expertise to know who stalks his Facebook account? Was he a cyber expert?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I went between opening his message or not approximately twenty times before still reluctantly, I actually did. </span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">His message said: Hi, I hope you get home safely.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He read my message.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I typed a reply…</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He’s typing something!</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I hit send with my reply: You, too.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything else. It was good that Taeil still replied as soon as he read my message. Not that he was in any obligation to do so at all. We didn’t know each other until today. There was literally nothing to talk about.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Still, I wanted to continue talking to him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Would that be too forward?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I looked at the conversation with precisely two messages for about two minutes and when there’s nothing coming, I closed my phone with my eyes. Unfortunately, it didn’t close my mind. Should I have replied something else? But what would we talk about? We didn’t know anything about each other.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I felt my phone vibrate and excitedly like someone who just met a new friend, I opened it again and saw there’s a new message from Donghyuck’s chat head.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I sent another message: I want to eat samgyupsal.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I couldn’t help out a chuckle.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I replied: Right now? It’s like, four in the afternoon.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="s1">I<em> typed and sent: You can’t help with cravings.</em></span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Well, I want to eat shabu-shabu and I told him that.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Then, for the next five minutes, we talked about nothing but our favorite food, our comfort food, and everything we want to eat. If it was possible or not, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that he wanted to eat a cake from Macedonia and I wanted to eat lechon from Cebu.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">His last reply was: But do you know what I really want to eat right now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I asked: What?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He sent me a video link from YouTube.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I typed: I wish I could go back to Jeju.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Dana, do you know what are these?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“You don’t know macarons?” my sister looked at me as if I’ve grown an extra head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“But those are fat macarons,” Daehyung, my younger brother, said, looking like he was already drooling from the sight of the cookies. “They are more delicious. I told you we should go to Jeju, Mom!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck replied: I don’t eat sweets that much.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Followed with: I get fat easily.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Followed with: I haven’t been to Jeju since like, eighth grade.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And: Do you travel a lot?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">From one sentences each, it quickly grew to how me and my friends were used to talking, as many thoughts as were running in our minds and as quickly as our fingers could type and send them. It didn’t even matter if the topics were related or not. We just send whatever was coming to our mind.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">We talked about travel next. He told me he has only ever been to the US because they have relatives there. It was their to-go country. I told him I have been to several neighboring countries because I love travelling and those were the only countries I could afford to go to for now.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Conversations with Donghyuck came easy. He could ask casual questions, tell me his answers, and wait for mine. The flow was natural because there was nothing I thought could go wrong with my answers. I could be completely honest. I could tell him whatever because I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. There was no need to be careful if he wouldn’t like my answers because well, we’re practically still strangers.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was beginning to feel like we weren’t strangers anymore. I learned Taeil was working as a radiation therapist and his shifts were crazy but it was okay because he was in love with what he was doing. I asked him if he didn’t regret his choice of field because he said it could get depressing, helping cancer patients into recovery even though recoveries don’t happen all the time. He said he likes helping people, he sees purpose in his life in seeing hope for other people, which was why he chose this field.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck didn’t just know anything about cyber security. He was literally a computer engineer. His job included but was not limited to cyber security, computer programming, and system development.</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I learned he was born in a small family, just him parents and his younger sister. He didn’t have lots of friends, too, but he said it didn’t matter because he felt like he had enough anyway and that’s what’s important.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck seemed friendly and struck me as someone who have a lot of friends but he told me he actually had a handful of friends, too.</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I learned he has never been in a relationship before. He said it didn’t come easy because before, when he was still studying, his parents wouldn’t allow it because they wanted him to focus on his studies, and now that he was older, it still didn’t come easy because he wouldn’t allow himself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I asked him why and he said, “I have trust issues. Or someone told me I have trust issues.” Then, he chuckled and added, “That didn’t seem like it when I gave you my name, did it?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I smiled, holding my phone closer to my ear to hear him laugh better. “To be fair, you did ask for my ID,” I told Taeil, my heart becoming full of his laughter.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, and you weren’t bothered about it,” I replied, sitting up on my bed.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I would have taken you to meet my family and show you their IDs if that’s what it would take for you to give me your name,” I honestly said. “Although it would have been to early to meet my family then.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“They would have thought you’re crazy.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Maybe I am,” I agreed. “I also haven’t had… a boyfriend, you know.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Trust issues, too?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“No, the opposite,” I laughed. “I trust too much, and I think there’s something going on, and we’re on the same page, but it turns out we’re not. I’ve been told I expect a lot from people, more than what they could give, without actually asking if they could give what I wanted or not.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I’m guessing the people who told us these, why we haven’t been in a relationship before, were those who were almost the one, weren’t they?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">There was a solemn smile in his voice that I could hear.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I smiled, too. “Yeah, you’re right,” I admitted.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“So I have trust issues and you’re expect a lot,” I said. “I could have not given you my name no matter how you asked and you could have let it go because you didn’t want to frighten me.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">That was two weeks ago.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Yet here we were.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yet here we are,” I softly said.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">There was no enough wishing stars and wishes when the clock strikes 11:11 in the evening to make things work between two people who have complex identities as their own and not to mention a much complex chemistry when together. There was no one to say which topic should be crossed during which time, what question was safe to ask, and if being honest could make or break what was built so far.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I work for twelve hours a day, six times a week, from seven in the evening to seven in the morning. My only break was during Sundays. Donghyuck would send me a good morning message when I was on my way home and he was on his way to work. When it was time for him to go home, I was getting ready to go to the hospital. But there was a good morning message every morning when I was on my way home and there was a good night message every night before he would sleep. As busy as both our days were, there were messages every now and then, asking if I have eaten lunch or how my night at work was, and for two Sundays now, he asked if he could call and I answered when he did.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Before I knew it, Donghyuck was on my schedule. He was on my routine. I knew when to expect his messages or calls because he would always ask me when it was okay to message or call. I knew what he was doing or where he was or who he was with because he would tell me. He began to be a constant in my life and I began to think about what I would reply to his messages. Would he think it was too much? What would he think of me if I say this or that? Would he get turned off?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">And then I was freaking out.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">How do people in relationships do this? How do they keep being honest? How could they not worry if one day, everything was okay, and then the next, it’s not anymore?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">We weren’t even in a relationship. We were just…</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Taeil told me he was busy last night and today, he said he wouldn’t be able to answer my messages that often because they have a lot of patients at the hospital but I got a feeling that he was avoiding me for some reason. I read back our previous conversations to see if I had said something but I couldn’t find anything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I ignored Donghyuck for three days. I know, I was a bed person. It didn’t help that I felt guilty when I did. It also didn’t help that I missed him.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">We haven’t talked at all for three days now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He still sent me good morning and good night messages.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He still replied to my good morning and good night messages though. But it was different. I knew there was something different.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">It’s Sunday tomorrow. Would we be able to talk?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He asked if he could call today since it’s Sunday.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Are we okay?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I could honestly hear him gulp. I wished I could see his expression though. I knew mine wasn’t exactly good but if we both weren’t good, at least I knew we’re still on the same page. I could not do it again. I could not think everything was okay even when there were signs that they weren’t.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I felt like you’re starting to have so much control in my life and I thought I needed to stay away for a while,” I answered honestly because if this was going to end, I couldn’t just leave again without explaining. That was too much. That would be too much. I couldn’t do that again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Sorry, how am I controlling your life?” Because I sincerely could not understand.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I wait for your messages,” I told him with a sigh, “and I miss you when we don’t talk. I don’t have that person in my life. I don’t wait for someone and I’m fine by myself. I’ve always been fine by myself, Donghyuck. But now, there’s you and…”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“And?” I prompted.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I couldn’t tell him. This was the reason why I don’t trust people in the first place. Because they always leave. This was the reason why I don’t let anyone in. Because in the end, I’ll always be left alone anyway.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">What was the point of letting someone in only to be left alone in the end anyway?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’m not going anywhere, Taeil,” I said when he didn’t continue anymore.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I felt like he was scared of how I was carving myself in his life and I understood that. He didn’t know me a month ago. He didn’t know someone named Lee Donghyuck. He was used to be alone. He was independent. And he was okay. But now, I was messing up with his routine in a way. For someone who was so used to be okay by themselves, to have someone who he didn’t know what I was thinking, that I could run off somewhere anytime, it must have been scary. For someone who wasn’t used to trusting anybody but themselves, for him to even tell me what he was actually thinking, it was weird but I felt happy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’m not,” I repeated. “We might not know what will happen tomorrow and that’s scary but I chose to approach you that day, I chose to ask for your name, I chose every morning and every night to message you because I want you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">What?</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Shit.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I mean, I want to talk to you and be able to know you and learn things about you and —”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Donghyuck?” I stopped his ramblings even though it was so adorable. There was just something I needed to be sure of.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I took a deep breath. “Yeah?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“How long do you mean to stay in my life?” I asked. “Because I have to know. If you’re going to leave, you have to tell me so I can prepare myself. If you don’t want to talk anymore, if you met someone else, you have to tell me as well. I’m not going to stop you or hold you back, I just need to know because —”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I didn’t like what Taeil was implying. I had to stop him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“As long as you’d let me stay,” I answered. “Please don’t say I could meet someone else or I could stop talking to you whenever I want and I just have to tell you. You deserve more than just a notice. You deserve someone who stays. You deserve someone who will stay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I obviously don’t know everything that happened to you but I know I want to stay,” Donghyuck continued, and I had to lean back against the cold wall of my apartment for support. “You are not an option, Taeil. You are not a passing chance.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I didn’t know how I ended up on the floor because I was certain I was standing up,</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“On purpose, I’m staying. On purpose, I will choose to stay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Do you want me to stay?” he asked after a moment. His voice had lost its certainty it had a minute ago. It sounded small, unsure.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“As long as you want to,” Taeil answered and the smile in his voice was back. “As long as you intend to stay on purpose, I want you to.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I smiled myself. “We’re okay?” I asked to confirm.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yeah, sorry,” he said, sighing. “I tend to do that. Close myself off.” Then, he added, “Not everyone stays."</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Not everyone’s meant to stay,” I told him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">When Donghyuck said that, I wondered if he’s one who was meant to. If he was the one who was meant to.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">- PART 3 -</span>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Donghyuck, can you please get your sister upstairs? We’re going to be late,” Mom called to me from the kitchen. “We still need to get your Uncle Roger his gift at Central.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I popped my head to see if my mother was joking, if she somehow was able to get through my phone lock despite not even knowing how to send a gif in Messenger, and was able to read my messages. She was still packing sandwiches for the drive.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“We’re going to Central, Mom?” I asked, just to be sure.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yes, so get Dana because we’ll be late if she doesn’t come down now,” she answered, finishing the last of the sandwiches. Then, she asked, “Why? Are you meeting someone there?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">What. No. I mean, yes. I mean, I want to.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was aware of how fast I was blinking my eyes. Moms were almost always perceptive but I forgot my Mom was perceptive as in she wouldn’t need a password through my phone to know that Taeil told me he was going to Central with his friends and I thought, since we were going there as well, maybe we could catch each other even just for a minute.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Because it would just be lovely to see him again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I might, Mom,” I settled on telling him with a smile. There was no point hiding him but first things first, “I’ll get Dana.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck just sent me a message, telling me he and his family was also going to Central because they were picking up a gift for his Uncle Roger. He swore he didn’t know they were going until a moment ago and thought we might see each other.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He thought we might see each other in a mall with an average daily population of over 150,000 people.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He sent another message: Can I see you later?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Anxiously, I waited for about ten minutes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He replied: Won’t you be late for your Uncle Roger’s birthday lunch?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He replied: Just five minutes is enough.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I just want to see Taeil again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I thought about and then, I replied: Okay.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“You are so creepy. What are you smiling for?” Dana asked me. “Did you get a boyfriend? Mom, Donghyuck has a boyfriend!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was smiling because I couldn’t believe I was seeing him again. I didn’t want to force it if he wasn’t ready or he didn’t want to see me no matter how much I wanted but he agreed and I was happy. I wasn’t just smiling. I was grinning from ear to ear. Dana was right; it must have looked creepy. But he wasn’t my boyfriend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I told my sister, shaking my head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Oh, so not yet?” Dana cheekily asked. “What’s he like anyway? How did you get a boyfriend in this pandemic?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“He’s not my boyfriend,” I told Johnny who was sitting beside me on the backseat of Yuta’s car and must have caught Donghyuck’s name on my phone. He looked unconvinced and only hummed but it was too late because Yuta and Taeyong heard him, too.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Taeil has a boyfriend now? Finally?” Yuta asked, looking at me for a second through the rearview mirror with a smirk.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I took a deep breath and turned off my phone. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I repeated.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Then, who’s Donghyuck?” Johnny asked, grinning.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“His name is Donghyuck?” Taeyong asked. “That’s like a name for a handsome guy. Can I see his picture?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“No,” I quickly said, “because he’s not my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Who is he then?” Johnny asked, raising a brow, like he’s not having any of my shit.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“A friend,” I finally said. “He’s a friend.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Dana grinned at me and I was sure she didn’t believe a word I said.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, a friend,” Johnny said, nodding when I said Donghyuck was just a friend. “That Donghyuck was just a friend, guys,” he told Yuta and Taeyong and I was certain they didn’t believe me.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I liked Taeil a lot.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Donghyuck and I were friends, right?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“But you message each other everyday?” Yuta asked, looking at me through the rearview mirror again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I wonder what he would say if I told him I like him as more than a friend.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Seriously, guys, there’s nothing,” I tried saying.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“But you do?” Taeyong prompted Yuta’s question.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He would probably freak out, I though with a small smile. He was always evasive when my messages where borderline romantic and I was always quick to take a step back. I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t want to make him scared. I wasn’t sure if scared was the right term but he was closed off. He had been closed off for a long time and it would make more bad than good if I just suddenly tried to climb off the walls he built around himself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">That would probably feel like someone was invading him — the quiet and peace he built around himself. I didn’t want to make him feel like that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” I finally admitted.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“This Donghyuck would make time to message you everyday, would take the time off his life to send you a good morning or good night message? He was consistent, yes?” Johnny asked again, looking seriously at me.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” I said again. “What of it?” I finally asked.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Johnny turned to look at me. “Taeil, I don’t know if you know this,” he began, his tone firm, if not reprimanding, “but you deserve to love and to be loved and to be happy. I know, it’s comfortable to be by yourself. I have no doubt that you could be happy by yourself. But you could give yourself a chance to try to be happy with someone else, too. Especially if you know that person is special. You don’t have to keep trying to be happy by yourself. You’ve done that splendidly well for twenty-six years of your life already. You could try and be happy with someone else is all we’re saying. Right, guys?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Taeyong looked back at me from the passenger seat with a thumbs up while Yuta nodded at me through the rearview mirror.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not saying jump into a relationship,” Johnny continued. “I’m just saying be open to more possibilities of being happy.” He smiled at me and said, “You deserve it.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I was… shocked. Overwhelmed, too?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I have no intention of even mentioning Donghyuck, not because I was ashamed of him or of what we have, whatever it was that we have now, but because I didn’t like variables in my life. When did he become a constant in my life again? When did I let him become a constant in my life? And I hated it but everything Johnny said was true. I have been so used to be by myself that I didn’t know if I even wanted to try to be with someone.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Being with someone has so many consequences, so many unknown factors, so many compromises. Would I be willing to go through all that? Would it be worth it?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">My phone lighted up with a message notification from Donghyuck: I can’t wait to see you. Thank you for agreeing to see me, Taeil.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">We agreed to meet at the department store because that’s where Mom was picking up Uncle Roger’s gift, too, and Taeil told me he and his friends would be checking out things there as well. I didn’t know why but I was nervous.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Technically, this was just our second time seeing each other. We’ve seen each other through Messenger a few times but it was different when he would be right in front of me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I messaged him: I’m at the department store now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I was so nervous to see him. I was so close to saying we left already but…</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I replied: We’re at the toy section, looking for gifts for Mark.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Mark was Johnny’s son. </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He was the same age as Donghyuck’s youngest brother, Daemyung.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Strange that this was only our second time meeting but it felt like we’ve already known each other for a long time.</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was walking towards the toy section.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">We were walking away from the toy section because Johnny decided he’d rather have us get Mark books or other things he could use for studying.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I was lagging behind a little because Donghyuck might be walking towards the toy section.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Technically, I could tell him we’re in the stationary section now.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">There was no sign of Taeil on the toy section. I was about to tell him I was there when he messaged me: Sorry, the guys were walking towards the stationary section. Where are you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I couldn’t help but smile. He was also looking for me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">How difficult would it be for two adults to meet up in a mall’s department store? It shouldn’t be that much, right?</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Hi,” someone said behind me.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Taeil turned around, a little surprised, but then a beautiful smile broke out on his face and we stood there in front of each other, just smiling and it was weird because it was perfect. Despite the business of the mall and the people walking passed us, it was perfect.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Hey,” he finally said. “They just suddenly ran through the stationary section and I didn’t exactly tell them I was meeting you here,” he explained sheepishly. He was perfect.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“It’s okay,” Donghyuck answered, still smiling, and I couldn’t believe he’s standing in front of me again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I’m so glad to see you again, Taeil,” I couldn’t help saying.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He looked so happy and I felt like I was, too. I didn’t forget to tell him that, to let him know that we’re on the same page.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Me, too,” I answered. “Where are your Mom and your siblings?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“They are getting Uncle Roger’s gift,” Donghyuck told me. “I said I’m just going to meet you.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Surprised, I asked, “They know about me?”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">He scratched the back of his head and shyly, adorably replied, “They just kind of assumed things.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I got the feeling that he knew exactly what I meant when I said my family assumed things because his friends suddenly arrived and I could recognize each of them from his pictures with them. Taeyong asked, “Is he the Donghyuck? Johnny, look, I’m right. He’s handsome.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Right,” I muttered. I forgot I wasn’t alone. “Guys, this is Donghyuck.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Hi, Johnny, Yuta, and Taeyong,” I greeted them, smiling.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“He knows us?” Johnny turned to me.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” I answered. “I talked about you guys a lot since we’re all basically together everyday.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“That’s unfair considering you haven’t told us anything about Donghyuck,” Yuta shrugged.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Can you tell us who you are? Because Taeil refuses to tell us who you are,” Taeyong continued my torment.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I chuckled. They were exactly how he described them to be, just more exuberant in person.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I turned to him and he was sheepishly smiling at me, like he was telling me ‘Please don’t humor my friends.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, it seems like they’re both not ready to tell us anything. Come on, guys, let’s leave them first so they can talk,” Johnny — god bless him for just this one — finally said. He literally also dragged Yuta and Taeyong away because they wouldn’t stop staring at Donghyuck’s face.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“They’re very excited people,” Taeil said when his friends left.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I didn’t mention they’re more excited at the prospect of me in a relationship finally.</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yeah,” I said, chuckling again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Then, we were both quiet.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">It wasn’t awkward though.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">It’s like we were both just waiting to say what we wanted so say to each other.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Or we were carefully considering if we should even say it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“I like you a lot,” Donghyuck said, smiling at me. “I wanted to tell you for weeks now but I figured I want to tell it to you in person after all. I like you a lot, Taeil. It’s strange because this is literally just our second time to see each other in person and there might be a lot of things that we don’t know yet about each other but it also feels like I’ve known you for a long time already.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">What’s strange was he was saying this in a department store and I didn’t mind.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Do you mean as a friend?” I asked after a moment.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I bit my bottom lip and I knew I looked nervous because I could feel my feet shaking. I shook my head and told him, “No, not just like a friend. I mean, I like you a lot like I want to date you and be your boyfriend.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">He stared at me with his mouth open.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">Now I’ve done it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“We live a three-hour car ride away from each other,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I didn’t even understand myself why but I was sure Donghyuck did because his eyes sparkled and happiness was weird with certain people because it could turn like a mirror.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">When you see it on a particular person, it reflects on you, too.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I don’t mind driving,” I quickly told him. “And like today and the first time we met, we can meet halfway.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“We can only meet during Sundays, you know that, right?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“I can drive to you during Saturdays, too, and have breakfast together before I take you home to sleep.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“You’ll drive three hours to see me sleep?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Yeah, I realized you could actually do anything, or nothing, with the right person.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I laughed but he looked serious.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">I was serious.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p4">
  <em>
    <span class="s1">“Okay,” Taeil finally said.</span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">“Okay? Okay meaning?” he slowly asked.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I couldn’t believe we were confessing in front of the stationary section filled with children’s books at a mall’s department store but there I was, saying for the first time in my life, allowing myself for the first time since I was born to tell someone “I like you, too.”</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">That I like him enough to give him my word, my time, portions of my life, and allowances in case he’d hurt me. Because what they don’t tell you in movies and fiction was when you tell someone you like them, you were also sort of telling them that in case they ever hurt you accidentally, you would still accept them and you would both work your way out through that ache together.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">Perhaps it’s the biggest reason why I haven’t been in a relationship before. I liked a lot of people, some of them even liked me back, but I couldn’t give to them that other side of the coin, that difficult part when you like someone.</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s1">I was scared of getting hurt. But what I was more scared of now was letting go of Donghyuck and what we have. Not again. I promised myself, not again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hyuck's love for Taeil is one of the best things in this world. I just want to say.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>